Bar Jokes

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his penis.The bartender says "Hey, you have a steering wheel around your penis." Pirate: "Arrrgg, its been drivin' me nuts."


A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartenders says "Can I help you?" and the duck says "Ya, can you get this guy off my ass?"


A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whiskey." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."


A guy walks into a bar.The next guy ducks.


A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does this day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you." The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink." He continues to do this day after day after day, and then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today." "What happened?” asked the bartender, “Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "No, no, no," the guy said. "They're okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."


Two guys were walking their dogs — one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry — we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay — it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"